Nightmares
by Dareru
Summary: Tai relives one of his worst memories. Yaoi and rape contained.
1. Part 1

nNIGHTMARES  
  
Disclaimer: Yaoi and rape scenes contained herein. Those who are squeamish, please don't read. If you think this may offend you, please don't read, or at least don't complain to me if you don't like it. Digimon characters are not mine, they are the property of Toei/Bandai/etc. Merzuna-san courtesy of Tabby, from "A Walk on the Darker Side of Reality"  
  
~~~~~~  
  
It was happening again.  
  
For the third time in as many nights, Tai was curled up into a ball, bed sheets thrown around him, whimpering like a baby.   
  
Instinctively, I woke him up.  
  
He brought his face level with mine, and I could see that it was dampened with tears. His beautiful brown eyes were bloodshot; his breathing came in ragged sobs. Everything about him radiated an overwhelming fear.  
  
"Matt...I..." Before he could finish, he buried his face into my shoulder, and sobbed.  
  
"It was Merzuna-san again, wasn't it?" I whispered, running one of my hands through his shock of soft, chestnut hair, trying as best I could to soothe him. He gave a sort of strangled cry and sobbed harder. "Shhhh...it's OK, my angel, it was just a dream..."  
  
For him the dreams were all too real.  
  
I felt totally helpless. What could I do for him? I couldn't battle his inner demons, nor could I keep him from dreaming about Merzuna. The only comfort I could offer was in the wake of his nightmares, and that simply wasn't enough.  
  
Together, we sat in bed, my arms around him, until his sobs died down.  
  
"It's all right now, Tai...go back to sleep."  
  
He murmured something and lay back down, and I brushed my lips against his. He was snoring peacefully in a few moments, and soon afterwards I was, too.  
  
***  
  
By the third night I had slept so little the lines between consciousness and sleep had become a blur. Every night, I would have the same dream...  
  
I'm at a rave. Or, more specifically, a dance hall. But it's just myself in the middle of a giant, empty room. The equipment was there, but no one was operating it.  
  
All of a sudden, Matt would walk on stage with his guitar. He sits for a while, tuning it up, checking the microphone, and then, just before he opens his mouth to sing, he would disappear, and so would the lights.  
  
Suddenly, a flash fills the room - it has turned into a long, dark hallway, and at the end I could see a brightly lit 'EXIT' sign. Then, I would turn around...  
  
I could see the glimmer of light off of glass, and then the hallway's lights snap on...  
  
Standing not ten feet away from me is a man dressed in a long, black trenchcoat. His hair is slicked back and his eyes glimmer red behind his spectacles. My mouth turns dry with fear. I know who this is...  
  
"Merzuna."  
  
A dry, wicked laugh escapes his lips, and he takes a step towards me, one arm reaching out for me. I turn and run, but soon he is on top of me and grabs me by the shoulder, jerking me around. His fingers burn into my flesh, and I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping he will just go away, but soon they are forced open...  
  
- If you cooperate, I won't need the blade -   
  
I realize that I'm in the bathroom at the high school, and he is standing over me, knife in hand. His foot connects with my jaw, and I can taste the blood filling my mouth, again...  
  
- Will I need this? -  
  
I try to get up and stumble as he shoves me against the wall. I feel the cool metal of the blade touching the back of my neck. All I can feel is an overriding terror...I've lived through this before...  
  
"No," I whisper. I am already sobbing quietly, the pain from my mouth mixing with the emotional wounds that are being torn open once again.  
  
- Good. Be a good boy Tai. Don't make this harder than it has to be. -  
  
A hand comes around and unsnaps my jeans button, and I just stare as they fall to the ground, along with my underwear. I squeeze my eyes tight, knowing full well the intensity of the pain that is to come, yet powerless to stop it...  
  
I scream in pain as I feel him enter me, and I can hear him laughing at me, mocking me, knowing his victory will be played over in my mind for the rest of my life...  
  
  
I felt a hand gently nudging me into wakefulness.  
  
I was curled into a ball, tears running down my face, scared and helpless...  
  
Staring back at me were no longer the cold, unforgiving eyes of Merzuna; they had been replaced by two deep cerulean pools of love and worry...  
  
"Matt," I sobbed, looking into them. "I..."  
  
I buried my head into him, letting his mere presence comfort and pacify me. I cried into him, watching my tears roll down his naked chest and drip onto the sheets. He stroked my head with one hand while holding me with the other. He brought his mouth to my ear.  
  
"It was Merzuna-san again, wasn't it?"   
  
I nodded and cried harder, letting my emotions spill out into Yamato's reassuring shoulder. The pain and anguish that had been haunting me slowly drained out, tear by tear...  
  
I desperately wanted the dreams to stop, but every night they would happen again, and after them I couldn't sleep well, because when I caught myself dozing off I would wake up for fear of them coming back.  
  
An hour later I got up, unable to sleep, and went into the bathroom.   
  
***  
  
I woke up as the first rays of sunlight penetrated through the blinds. I propped myself up with one arm and turned to where Tai was sleeping...  
  
...only to find that he wasn't there.  
  
I panicked momentarily as I searched the room. It wasn't like him to be up before me, especially after not sleeping well for the past three nights. A low, guttural cough came from the bathroom, and I saw a nest of brown through the doorway. I got up and walked over to him, giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. To my surprise, he just sat and stared at his reflection. I placed my hands on my hips and pouted.  
  
"What's the matter, Tai-chan?" I asked playfully.  
  
He shook his head. "Look at me."  
  
"You're my beautiful boyfriend, Tai, so what else is new?"  
  
He glared at me through bloodshot eyes.   
  
"No, seriously, Yamato. Look. I haven't slept in three days...I'm a fucking wreck. Every night I can't sleep because the moment I do, I start having these dreams..." Tears started to fall from his eyes yet again, and I walked up to him and dried them as best I could. "I keep...getting..." He shook as bitter tears flowed down his face. Suddenly his face contorted, and he yelled out to no one in particular.   
  
"Leave me alone!"  
  
I let go of him immediately, and he turned and faced me with a terrified expression on his face.  
  
"Matt...make him go away..."  
  
I was afraid. Something was truly wrong with him; he had barely eaten or slept in three days, and he was gaunt and haggard. He barely spoke, and lately when he had all of his thoughts were on Merzuna. Something had resurfaced inside him. He hadn't been reduced to a kitten since...  
  
Since the rape.  
  
And something kept making him relive it, every night.  
  
A pit had reopened in my heart that I prayed would remain closed forever. I was supposed to be there for Tai, to help him when he needed it, to protect him from whatever he couldn't protect himself from, to hold his hand when he needed it...  
  
The last time I could have done something, and didn't, was the day he was raped. I knew Merzuna couldn't just be a complete asshole to me and the rest of the world and yet make an overstated effort to be friendly with Tai, and Tai alone, without something else going on...  
  
I didn't think it would come to that...  
  
Ever since that day I had vowed that I'd never let anything like that happen to Tai.  
  
But now, it was, only this time in his subconscious, where I couldn't help him at all. I felt so inadequate...powerless to stop Tai's personal hell.  
  
I snapped myself back to reality and led him to the bed. He still muttered some dark things to himself, but didn't resist.  
  
"Tai, I'm going out for awhile." I couldn't believe that I was speaking to him in the same tone of voice I would speak to a 3-year-old... "I'll try and get you some help, OK? In the meantime, why don't you try and get some rest. Take these, they'll help." I pressed sleeping pills and a glass of water into his hand. He stared at me, uncomprehending, for a long time.  
  
"Matt?"  
  
I turned and looked at him...or rather, this half-crazed, sickly, depressed shell of what used to be the most outgoing, radiant, sweetest person I knew...I felt a tear slide down my cheek, and I turned away.  
  
"Matt," he said in a surprisingly clear tone, "...you go ahead...I'll try to get some sleep. Just hurry back, okay?"  
  
I flashed a tight smile and kissed him on the mouth gently. He closed his eyes and curled up, and I left the room, determined to find something that would alleviate his pain, if only for a few moments...  
  
***  
  
An hour later, I returned, armed with an over-the-counter sleeping aid and the number of a very good psychiatrist, someone who had counseled my mom after the divorce.   
  
"Taichi?"  
  
I heard the faint sounds of the television in our bedroom and figured he would be asleep, so I set down my things and padded into the room, just to watch him for a few hours and make sure he was all right.  
  
The room was a mess. The bed had been dismembered entirely, sheets in one corner of the room, pillows in another; the dresser's first three drawers were open and their contents scattered about; the window was opened and the screen pushed aside, as if someone removed it to get out of the room.  
  
I turned off the TV, the bottom dropping out of my stomach. My thoughts raced around in my head as I tried to calm myself down...where was Tai? Why did he suddenly leave? For the first time I noticed the phone was off of the hook. I picked it up.  
  
"Hello, Taichi Kamiya," said the system. "You have 1 message. To listen to it, press 1. To delete it, press 2. To exit the system, press 9." It paused for a moment, then repeated. I raised my trembling finger and pushed 1...this had to be the reason Tai left...  
  
"Attention, residents of the Odaiba district. Convicted rapist Merzuna Kenichi has been released early for good behavior and is taking up residence in your area. For more information, please call the probation office at..."  
  
I hung up the phone and ran out of the room.  
  
"Tai!"  



	2. Part 2

NIGHTMARES, PART 2  
  
Disclaimer: The official disclaimer is contained in part 1. Basically, it says that this fic contains yaoi! Consider yourself forewarned. Thanks to Tsunomon 2, whoever you may be, for thinking up Merzuna! This one's not so angsty, just my take on what happens to Merzuna after the rape.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
...He was here...he was coming for me...  
  
My nightmares were seeping into real life...Merzuna...here...in Odaiba...  
  
I had to run. The house wasn't safe anymore, the school wasn't safe, the park wasn't safe.   
  
But I didn't know where to go. I ran out of the house through the window...I thought I saw Merzuna hiding behind the front door. I bolted out of the backyard and into an alleyway, where I could swear I saw Merzuna waiting for me at the other end...The one place he couldn't follow me for long was in the city...  
  
I staggered out into the maze of streets, fear beginning to cloud my already dulled senses. I urged my tired limbs to go faster; behind every pair of sunglasses, every trenchcoat, every window I saw the sinister coal-black eyes staring back at me.  
  
"Go away!" I hissed, knowing that no matter what I did the eyes still followed my every move...Reeling in panic, I tried to go down to the subway, seeking refuge from the ever-growing sense of terror rapidly growing inside of me.  
  
Walking up to the ticket machine, I placed my fare into it and, hands shaking, ripped the ticket out from its slot. I ran aboard the train and it got underway. I slumped into a seat, and glanced around furtively...good...no Merzuna...I drew my knees in and rested my chin on them, slowly rocking back and forth in my seat.  
  
A conductor made his way through the crowded train and began inspecting tickets. I got mine out and held it up as he walked up towards me.   
  
"Tickets, please, have your tickets ready...thank you, sir...thank you...thank you..."  
  
I felt a tug at my ticket, but for some reason my fingers refused to let it go. I stared at them and willed them to open, and then I looked up at the man...  
  
Staring back at me was the face of Merzuna...  
  
I blacked out.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
I squinted against the light that greeted my eyes as I came to. Right away I knew I was in a hospital.  
  
"I think he's coming to," said a female voice.   
  
I sat up and looked around. In the room with me were two lab-coated people, one female, the other male.   
  
"Hello," said the man. "I'm Doctor Fujiyama. You suffered a case of stress-induced shock, but you should be okay now. The train attendant brought you over, and we'd like to run a few tests and then we'll release you."  
  
I nodded. Train attendant...Merzuna? Was I seeing things again? A thousand questions ran through my mind as the doctor poked, prodded, jabbed and scanned me. Within the space of a few minutes the always-efficient Japanese medical system received some of my body fluids just so they could be sure that I was okay.   
  
"We'll be back when the tests are complete, Mr. Kamiya."  
  
The doctor and nurse retreated, and I sat in bed, wondering just who the mystery train person was, when he walked in. My heart froze...  
  
"M-Merzuna-san?"  
  
Standing in the doorway was the same Merzuna that had haunted me in my dreams, that had raped me all those years ago...why was he here, and why had he brought me to the hospital?  
  
He silently walked over and sat down next to my bed, taking off his glasses and uniform coat.   
  
"So...you're finally awake. I was wondering how you'd react to seeing me again, and I must admit I expected that reaction. But you have nothing to fear from me anymore. Several years of the Japanese prison system have ensured that I'm no longer a depraved, child-molesting individual, they have turned me into a model productive citizen."   
  
A great, shuddering sigh escaped his mouth and he paused. This wasn't the same Merzuna that I encountered. He no longer possessed the energetic and scheming undercurrent to his voice; now it was a dead monotone. His eyes were no longer bright and cunning; they were dead and glassy. Instead of his trademark reading glasses, he wore thick bifocal lenses. Gray had begun to seep into his hair, which was now a crew cut and not the ungainly nest it had been. Something told me that I didn't have anything to fear, that he had, indeed changed...  
  
"I don't expect you to forgive me for what I've done to you, Taichi," he continued. "Because I don't deserve it. I may very well have done permanent mental harm to you, and I apologize for that."  
  
That's for sure...  
  
"However, now that you're here, I may as well explain to you just what happened. First of all, the reason that I ...well..." He sighed. "...it had been a depressing time for me. My wife of four years had recently left me after I had become obsessed with a certain student..." He glanced at me.  
  
It had begun strangely to sound like one of his old Calculus lectures...except now his voice was just a drab monotone, no life to it whatsoever.  
  
"Well, as you may have figured, after the fact," He carefully avoided using the word 'rape.' "I was arrested and there was a speedy trial, which naturally ended in my conviction and sentencing to life. Of course, in the process, the prosecution had short-circuited a law and, after a lengthy appeals process, I got out by merit of this technicality."  
  
God bless the legal system.  
  
"But, of course, no one wants to hire a convicted rapist, even if he does have several degrees in mathematics. I searched everywhere for work after I got out, but eventually I lost my house, car, and everything but the clothes I was wearing. I became very miserable, and finally, one night, decided to end my life."  
  
At this point I was actually beginning to feel sorry for this poor fellow...no wife, no job, no life...  
  
"I went down to the subway when it was deserted and waited for the train to come, thinking to throw myself in front of it as it came, which would hopefully be a quick end. However, I mentally calculated several things in my head and eventually came to the conclusion that if I did so, I would merely be severely injured and the rest of my life my life as a cripple. I became despondent - my brain refused to let me even try to commit suicide - so I checked myself into a mental institution."  
  
"I was diagnosed as having severe manic-depression and was interred for a period of six months. I was put on...oh, I think 13 different medications, psychiatric counseling, and the last, or so I've been told, electroshock therapy session in Japan." He attempted to laugh, and it came out as a mix between coughing and barking - either way, it was rather humorless. He cleared his throat. "Through the infinite patience and kindness of my cousin's heart, I was given an entry-level job as a train conductor. I would say it's not much, but at least it pays the bills, except it doesn't. I expect that I will have enough money for about six months before I will have to cut back on either medication, rent, or food...a tough decision, ne?"  
  
"So, in short, you have nothing to fear from me, Taichi. I simply do not have the life left in me to begin to even entertain the thought of coming for you. I used to be a Calculus teacher, happily married, and now after one brief fit of tainted passion, here I am, suffering from manic-depression, with a job that doesn't even make ends meet."  
  
"Why are you telling me this?" I croaked.  
  
"Because it is exactly five years to the day that I raped you. I can see that your subconscious has not let you forget. You still carry the burden of the act upon your shoulders, and so too does Matt, I would assume - he was not one for letting people get hurt if he could protect them. I have a feeling that ever since it happened he has felt inadequate because of that one time that he did not keep you from harm."  
  
"Don't fear me anymore, Taichi, there's nothing left inside of me to inspire that sort of thing." He drew in a long, deep breath, stood, and made for the doorway.  
  
"Wait!" I called. He turned and looked over his shoulder, and I couldn't help but feel a twinge of sympathy for this person. "Merzuna...I...forgive you."  
  
A tear spilled out onto his face, and he simply turned and walked away. It was true - this was no more a person to incite terror in me or anyone else. I stared after him for a long time when I was suddenly struck by a thought.  
  
Matt...  
  
I immediately called for the nurse, who brought me a phone. I dialed up the cell phone number and waited impatiently as it rang.  
  
"What?" A very irritated Matt was on the other line, with the sound of an engine going at full tilt in the background.  
  
"Matt! It's me, Tai!"  
  
"Tai!" The engine died down. "Where are you? I've been looking everywhere for you!"  
  
"In the hospital."  
  
"Are you all right? What happened?"  
  
"It...Merzuna..." I drew in a breath. "Long story, Matt, but I think I'll be okay from now on."  
  
END  



End file.
